How to Avoid a Cornucopia of Craziness This Thanksgiving

Ah, the image of Thanksgiving dinner - the one with the perfect family sitting around a festive table, counting their blessings and spreading love and joy. It's the picture forever ingrained in our minds. Unfortunately, that holiday fantasy doesn't always reflect real life. Let's face it, most families have some level of dysfunction and holidays tend to exacerbate family drama. Sometimes the way we communicate with one another creates distance rather than closeness. Surviving the turkey and all the trimmings with your extended family requires patience, savvy conversation skills and in some cases sheer determination.

Of course, you could avoid the drama by parking yourself on a couch in front of a football game, gorging yourself with snacks and drinking copious amounts of red wine. If that doesn't put you into a sleep-induced coma, surely the tryptophan in the turkey along with the pecan, apple and pumpkin pies will put you over the edge.

But instead of eating and drinking yourself into oblivion this holiday season to avoid the inevitable, how about making a conscious decision to enjoy Thanksgiving. Make it your mission to actually have a fun holiday - or at least a less stressful one. Is that asking too much?

 

Here are some things to think about that might help turn your angst into excitement. These tips are at the core of what we teach at Ty Boyd Executive Communications & Coaching: communication skills are an important part of living a fulfilled life. Through practice and preparation we all can become effective communicators. Preparation is a habit of excellence. With that said...

Be prepared: To avoid overreacting in the heat of the moment, consider how you want to act and react before you even show up for the meal.

Be a compassionate listener: Listen to what people have to say - really listen. There is plenty of time to share your stories, but listen to the others around your table without judging.

Be realistic: Instead of imposing expectations on family members, be realistic. Accept everybody at the table for who they are and remember that we all have flaws and limitations.

Be in the moment: You are no longer 10 years old. You, your parents, your sisters, your brothers and all of your crazy relatives are now complicated adults. All of you are different, living your own lives with your own concerns and needs. But there is one thing you all have in common and that is the desire to be loved and acknowledged.

Be sensitive: Family dynamics change through marriage, divorce, death, illness, birth and all of life's other events. Be sensitive to how these changes affect your family.

Be aware of your audience: Avoid topics that might incense the crowd. Political debates may lead to WW III faster than you can say, "Pass the green been casserole."

Be you. Let go of trying to please everybody and be true to yourself. Make a conscious decision to enjoy yourself and to be lovely. You want the guests to leave you with smiles on their faces because they had a great time, not because they are leaving.

And last, but not least...be thankful. Be thankful that you get to cook a delicious meal, or be thankful that you have the day off from cooking. Be thankful that you get to travel, or rejoice that you don't have to leave town. Be thankful for your family. Be thankful for your friends. Be thankful for your country. Be thankful for your pet. Be thankful that you have the day off, or be thankful that you have a job.

Find something to be thankful for and celebrate it.

Up Close and Personal with Molly Boyd-Hunt

Molly Boyd-Hunt

Molly Boyd-Hunt, Executive Faculty member at Ty Boyd Executive Communications & Coaching, works with clients from the boardroom to the arena to boost their communication skills. Using a blend of humor and insightful storytelling, Molly teaches that important speeches are more like conversations with individuals rather than presentations to a crowd. Let's chat with Molly....

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
When I am feeling peaceful about my work/life balance, that's a 10 on the scale of happiness.

What is your greatest fear?
Letting down my family and friends.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Food. I will pay a lot of jack for good food. Yum.

What is your favorite journey?
The one I'm on as a parent. It's better than visiting foreign countries and I get to see wildlife right in my home.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Patience seems so cliche, right? So, I'll go with perseverance.

On what occasion do you lie?
I think it's ok to lie to a child about childhood stuff....like the ice cream machine is broken and Santa is really thin, and quite healthy, he just stuffs a pillow in his shirt.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Girl, when I'm with my friends, it's the word "girl". It drives me crazy, but girl, I can't stop.

What is your current state of mind?
Crazy, content, clear...in that order.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
My son would be potty trained.

What is your most treasured possession?
The ring on my right finger. It's a silver band that cost about $50 and it reads, "Faith...Love...Cooper" It's my magic eight ball when I have big questions.

What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Ooooh...get a massage. Heavenly.

What do you most value in friends?
Acceptance. To be completely free to be myself. No judging.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Shrek. He is perfectly imperfect.

Who are your heroes of real life?
Besides my mother, father and sister, Anne, I would say people who are facing death and those that persevere. And....dog lovers.

What is your motto?
Change always starts from a place of awareness.

When was the last time you cringed?
I have cringed several times answering these questions.

Will Speak for Food

At the close of the two and a half day Excellence in Speaking course, one of our top instructors, Anne Boyd Moore, leaves our graduates with this thought: "You are now able to change what people think by how you communicate. Do you have the courage to use the skills that you've attained?"

That, of course, is the key: putting what you learned into a daily practice, pulling out all of the tools that you've acquired, one by one, and using them every chance that you get. 

1. Practicing them
2. Honing them
3. Becoming proficient in their use

Right this minute you are probably thinking, "Well, sure, I realize that's what it's all about, but I don't get that many opportunities to practice in front of an audience." But, as the Ty Boyd faculty teaches, if you think that these tools and skills are only applicable when you are required to speak to a group, then you are missing about 90% of their value.

All of us speak to the public every day. Some days, our public is our children, our spouse, our boss, our coworkers, our customers. Some days, the event that will demand the most of our skills is as simple as getting our point across to the car dealership mechanic. Every day, in every way, we communicate. We need to do it well, do it effectively and use the tools that are taught in Ty Boyd's Excellence in Speaking course.

With that said, if you want to get in front of a room of people and practice your speaking skills, there are many opportunities for that, as well. Every day there are meetings of networking groups, professional associations and community organizations in your area. Many of these organizations need speakers. Granted, most won't pay you, but they might throw in a free lunch. The opportunity to reach an audience, build your reputation, cause customers to seek you out, and to fine tune those tools is worth every minute of your time. The boxed lunch is simply a bonus.

You can find groups to speak to by watching for meeting notices in newspapers and newsletters and asking local chambers of commerce for directories of organizations. Figure out who your target audience is and identify the groups that meet your criteria.

Here are some do's and don'ts to keep in mind the next time you give a speech:

1. Use a good title for your talk.
2. Establish a bond with your audience. For instance, point out local people you know, or local events with which you are familiar.
3. Never talk down to your audience.
4. 80% of our ideas come from what we see. Use objects to illustrate your talk even if they are only newspaper clippings or pamphlets.
5. Never run over your allotted time.

The more speaking engagements you do, the better you get. The better you get, the more your confidence grows. Becoming an effective speaker builds your credibility and influence and opens up all sorts of career opportunities.

It's Not Just What You Say, But How You Say It

Back when Ty Boyd was the morning host for WBT-AM (1110) in Charlotte, he spent hundreds of hours working on diction and the depth of his voice. He considered his voice to be his primary tool. "My voice was my pitching arm, I wanted it finely tuned, so I worked with all the dedication that the boys of summer devote to spring training, " says Boyd, who worked as the morning host, then went on to host the midday show on WBTV before founding Ty Boyd Executive Communications & Coaching. 

It wasn't until Boyd was teaching executives the tools of effective communication that he realized the importance of connecting with the audience, of listening, of passion for the message, and the importance of voice was knocked way down on his list of vital tools. "I learned that the swing away from voice was simply the shift in priorities necessary to come back to balance. Voice is not the only tool we need, it is one of many. At this stage in my life, I try to remember that a good balance of all my skills makes me most effective," says Boyd.

A stunning voice is not necessary to make a stellar performance. But those born with it, like Tom Brokaw, Meryl Street and James Earl Jones, certainly have an advantage. A commanding, versatile, rich voice is a powerful tool, but you can learn techniques - breath, projection, enunciation and vocal variety - that can turn your natural voice, even one that is perceived as weak or ineffective, into a valuable tool. Take for instance Barbara Walters. She has a bit of a lisp and a certain nasal quality, but that less-than-perfect voice has made her famous. She's learned how to use it very effectively in combination with some of the other tools that are taught in Ty Boyd, Inc.'s Excellence in Speaking course.

As you consider putting your voice to better use, there are four key areas to focus on:

1. Breath
2. Projection
3. Diction
4. Vocal Variety

All four are important and must be used together. Your goal is to keep the audience a little off balance by not becoming predictable. At Ty Boyd Executive Communications & Coaching we talk about using your voice as if it were an orchestra. We coach you to use the different instruments in your orchestra - the power of a lilting note, a whisper, a pause or a shout. Don't limit yourself to only those notes and instruments that are familiar and comfortable. There are new notes to learn and we'd like to help. 

The Dorito Distraction

A few months ago, I graduated from Ty Boyd's Excellence in Speaking course. To say that I loved the class is an understatement. And while I am part of the Ty Boyd team, rest assured that the faculty does not pay me to wax poetic about their classes. It's simply an added bonus that I work for a company whose products I revere (and whose newsletter I produce). As a result of taking the class, I am much more aware of the tools needed to be an effective communicator and I am constantly working to improve my skills. One of the many things I learned in Excellence in Speaking is that few things can affect the effectiveness of your speech like unwanted distractions.

When one of my classmates played with his wedding band throughout his speech, the feedback he received from the group was that the ring was a major distraction. Another speaker shuffled note cards in her hands while addressing the audience, and still another played with her hair while delivering a speech. Tiny movements, but huge distractions. Most of the speakers were completely unaware that they were distracting from their message.

I was thinking about that lesson when I sat down with my son the other day. He had just come home from a full day of basketball camp and inquired about a bag of Doritos he saw in the pantry. Picture, if you will, a small bag of chips, the kind you get with a Subway sandwich when you upgrade to a meal deal. Got the picture? I can snarf down one of those bad boys in about 2 minutes. And that's a conservative estimate. Now, I usually do not have this type of deliciousness on the shelves of my pantry (for the aforementioned reason), but I told my son that he was welcome to it, as long as he sat down and told me about his day. As I listened to his stories, I fixated on his approach to eating a bag of tortilla chips and as a result, I missed about 99% of what he was saying. Which is exactly what I learned in the Excellence in Speaking course; distractions detract from the message.

Here's what I remember: first of all, only one chip leaves the bag at a time. Never, not once, did I see more than one chip in his hand. Each chip is nibbled at least four times, sometimes five or six, before it is completely disappears in his mouth. And, each bite requires at least ten chews before the chip is actually swallowed. While the chip is slowly pecked at, he twists and turns it as if he is in search of the perfect bite; as if, somehow he is solving a puzzle. He keeps his eyes focused on the Dorito while his fingers and lips gradually turn a bright, neon shade of orange. He never speaks with his mouth full, and by "full" I mean with an 1/8th of a piece of Dorito chip, but instead, holds up his orange-stained pointer to indicate that I need to wait for him to swallow before he can elaborate.

The visual of him eating the Dorito is forever burned in my memory. But please, do no ask me if he enjoyed basketball camp, because I don't remember a single word he said.

Molly Hunt and Anne Boyd Moore, my coaches in the Excellence in Speaking course taught me that you cannot possibly prepare for every single distraction, but that you can eliminate those which you can control.

• Is the room set up so that people who come in late or leave early can enter or exit without crossing between you and the audience?
• Is the first row of chairs or tables too close or too far away from you?
• Is everything you need for your audio-visual support there and in working order?
• Handouts ready? Microphone turned on?
• Is the room set up awkwardly, perhaps requiring you to turn your back on some members of the audience in order to face others?
• Is the room too dark, too bright? Too cold, too hot?
• Is there a window behind you offering a distracting view to the audience?

I can hear Anne Boyd Moore's voice in my head, "When you walk in the room where you are presenting, look around. You'll be surprised how many little things you can find to tweak; little things that will make a big difference in your ability to connect with the audience. When you own your territory, you are more comfortable, you are more effective and your audience are more receptive to your message."

I wonder what Anne would say about Doritos?

The Influence of a Good Coach

At Ty Boyd Executive Communication & Coaching, we offer effective communication courses as well as individual one-on-one coaching. Neither approach is superior to the other, they are simply different. Both will get you started on a path to becoming a better communicator.

"I have worked with clients who have gone form completely avoiding public speaking to thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to present to a large audience. Their confidence grows in leaps and bounds and as a result, their audience sees a magnitude of improvement in their speaking effectiveness," says Anne Boyd-Moore who facilitates Ty Boyd's Excellence in Speaking course in addition to providing one-one-one communications coaching.

Anne's positive approach recognizes potential in every client whether she's coaching in groups or one-one-one. She works with the characteristics and skills that her students already possess, and then coaches them to the next level to get the results that they want and need to be effective communicators.

Our Excellence in Speaking course is a tool used by many companies and individuals who want to reap the benefits of group coaching. A group that comes together in Excellence in Speaking shares the same goal, but the emphasis is on the individual. Not only do participants learn from our experienced faculty, they benefit from the camaraderie and support of the group. But the group does not serve as a crutch to lean on or hide behind; our coaches make specific requests of each and every participant.

Our clients have told us that the shared experience provides them with greater confidence as they realize that their concerns and fears are not unique. The nature of this effective communications course - where participants speak in front of the group several times during the two and half days - promotes powerful group synergy and bonding between employees. As a result, many of our clients use our Excellence in Speaking course as a team building opportunity.

One-on-one coaching works best for clients whose schedules prevent them from enrolling in a course or who want to fine tune a particular presentation skill or speech, or who prefer meeting with a Ty Boyd coach on an on-going basis to work on overall communication effectiveness. Many clients follow up on what they learn in Excellence in Speaking with a little one-on-one time with our faculty.

 "One-on-one sessions are highly personalized," says Anne Boyd Moore, "I am able to hold the agenda and focus on the issues that are specific to my client. There is a heavy emphasis on action and accountability and clients benefit from dialogue as well as reflection."

Coaching someone for performance involves more than technical excellence. A great communications coach is empathetic and patient as well as a good listener and teacher. If you are ready to take your presentation skills to the next level, the faculty at Ty Boyd Executive Communications & Coaching can put you on the right track.

Dealing With the Stress of Speaking in Public

Instead of effectively dealing with the stress of speaking in public, many people avoid it like the plague. Others relegate it to the "necessary evil" category and do it reluctantly when they can't pawn it off on somebody else. And then there are those who look at public speaking as an opportunity to carry a career forward, to build networks, to establish a reputation, and to increase visibility within an organization. Last month, fifty people enrolled in Ty Boyd's Excellence in Speaking course because they recognized the importance of being an effective communicator. They graduated with more than they bargained for: they expected to become better speakers, but they never imagined the confidence they would gain by speaking in public.

When asked how the course would help further his career, one student explained it like this: "Before I took the course, I had the knowledge and the experience to excel in my career, the problem I had was conveying my message. I was never sure how to start or end a presentation. I didn't know how to make my presentations interesting and unique. And even though I knew my stuff, I had trouble thinking on my feet. Now I have the tools and I know how to use them. Now I have the confidence - and that's a good feeling. I have the confidence to demonstrate my expertise and showcase my insights and experience."

One of the graduates had initially planned on a few one-on-one coaching sessions with a Ty Boyd faculty member, but decided that taking Excellence in Speaking would give him practice in front of a group which he felt he desperately needed to get over his fear of speaking in public. What he didn't anticipate was how nurturing and supportive the group atmosphere would be for him. He expected a classroom of 20 or so students following a detailed, fixed agenda. What he was delighted to find was an intimate group of eight people with a high degree of interaction and conversation. Yet, the individual attention and coaching that he received pushed him beyond his limits. He explained it like this, "I was up on my feet speaking several times a day.There were so many opportunities to practice my communication tools and then receive feedback - not only from the coaches - but from the other students. Each time a new concept was introduced or put to me as a challenge, I had a chance to work on it over and over again until I felt like I had a handle on it."

A two and a half day course is a big time commitment for most people. Being away from your desk and coming back to voice mails, emails and playing catch up can be overwhelming. But not a single graduate said that they would change a thing about the course. "I wouldn't have shortened the course by even one hour, " said one student, "putting everything aside to concentrate on becoming a better communicator was an investment in myself and my career."

As is often the case, we received a lot of feedback on the coaches from the latest crop of graduates. Most had not expected the coaching to be so personal and insightful. Every student received individual feedback and guidance that addressed concerns that were unique to them. When asked if he would recommend the course, one graduate put it like this, "The interaction between the coaches kept the class entertaining as well as informative and educational. The mood was light, but professional and I never once looked at the clock. And that's saying a lot. Yes, I would absolutely recommend Excellence in Speaking."

Enrolling in the Excellence in Speaking course is not about learning practical skills, it's about learning to become a powerful communicator, it's about self-empowerment. We at Ty Boyd wish our latest graduates the greatest success and thank them for embarking on their communication journey.